Sexual Education with the Angels
by bulletproof trucker hats
Summary: So, maybe Cas and Gabriel weren't the most conventional couple.  Gabriel's always been the more adventurous out of them, anyway, and now he's about to  hopefully  push Castiel out of his comfort zone.


Angels don't look at sexuality the same way humans do. How could they, when they were _all_ brothers and sisters, born out of their Father's divine Grace?

They're all made out of the same _spark_, the same _essence_, and, as they grow, they turn that into something individual and unique and better suited to serve their Father's will.

Sure, they were God's soldiers. But they were also created to _love_, because if He was nothing else, he was all-loving and all-forgiving.

Gabriel loves Castiel, he really does. But sometimes, they're a little…_different_.

Like now.

"I do not understand." Castiel says, staring at Gabe with those _blue_ eyes. "Why are you calling me a 'lovemuffin'? I am not any kind of pastry."

Gabriel loves his brother, he really, _really_ does, but that doesn't stop him from letting out an exasperated sigh and snapping up enough alcohol to get him drunk.

(Cassie always _was_ easier to get along with when he was under the influence.)

Cas doesn't touch it, just keeps _staring_, waiting for an explanation, and Gabriel finds himself fumbling for an answer and failing miserably.

And then he strikes upon an idea that is so brilliant, so _fucking_ brilliant, he can feel the light bulb flicker on above his head.

"We, my darling little brother," he says, gesturing between himself and said 'darling little brother'. "-are going to be taking a _field trip_."

Castiel raises an eyebrow, but before he can say anything, Gabe snaps his fingers, and they're somewhere else entirely.

They're on the set of a game show, all the lights out, the studio audience silent.

Cas looks around curiously. "Where are we?"

That's when the stage they're on is flooded with light, shining from literally every angle, and the crowd starts cheering, as the announcer comes on, saying-

"WELCOME, TO ANOTHER THRILLING INSTALLMENT OF…

SEX ED WITH THE ANGELS! WITH YOUR HOSTS…

GABRIEL AND CASTIEL!"

Gabriel winks at Cas, and blows a kiss to the audience, shouting something about "If anyone wants to get in a little…_extra credit_, come see me after the show. Bring snacks."

Castiel frowns and states- "I do not understand the purpose of this. Angels do not procreate."

(The frown deepens when the audience laughs at that.)

Gabe shakes his head in pity. "It's not about the mini-mes, Cassie. It's just that…sometimes, I want you to fuck me like one of your French girls."

He's rewarded with a blank stare for that.

"I was not aware that I was copulating with any of these…French girls."

Gabe does not have the patience for Castiel's innocence, not today. Today, Castiel's naïve demeanor is going to _die_. It will be bloody. (And then, when they get home, Cas will understand, that when Gabe says things like "I want to have kinky monkey sex with you", it does not, in fact, involve either of them growing tails. Or monkeys. At all.)

"C'mon, Cassie, tell the nice people. Do you know how to 69?"

Castiel's confused. "What do you mean 'Do you know how to 69'? Unless I am mistaken, 69 is a number, how do I 'do' a num- Gabriel, why are you taking off your pants?"

Gabriel gives a pitying shake of his head to the audience, who 'awwww's in sympathy. He turns back to Cas, and flutters his eyelashes, saying something along the lines of- "Oh, officer, I thought you wanted to do a _full_ body search."

He snaps, and Castiel's dressed in a policeman's uniform (and _dayum_, isn't _that_ something to write home about).

"Gabriel, why am I dressed like a police officer? What are those cameras doing? Is this going to be like that movie I saw, with the babysitter and the pizza man, because neither of us is a woman and-"

There's yet another snap of Gabriel's fingers, and Castiel's frown is now something dangerously approaching a bitch-face. "No, that was _not_ an invitation to turn me into a woman, Gabriel."

The announcer suddenly returns, voice booming-

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE? YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!"

The audience cheers, and say the words as one- "TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!"

Castiel looks absolutely nonplussed, even when someone's boxers hit him in the face.

(Gabriel has to bite his lip to keep from snickering.)

"Well? You heard the people, Cassie! _Take off all your clothes_."

Castiel is as noncompliant as he's been the entire time. "I do not understand what the temperature in here has anything to do with us removing our clothing- _Gabriel, why are you taking off your pants_?"

(That's the second time he's said that today, and if Gabe didn't know better, he'd think his precious baby brother _didn't_ want to see him naked.)

Okay, enough beating around the bush.

"Castiel. Take off your damn pants, _right the fuck now_, and bend over."

Castiel blinks, and goes- "Why?"

Gabriel snaps up a lollipop, and pops it in his mouth, rolling his tongue around it suggestively.

"So I can fuck you with this lollipop, of course."

Another slow blink, and Castiel says- "I am almost certain that is not the intended purpose of a lollipop, Gabriel."

There's really only so much Gabriel can take, and Castiel may be adorable, but he's seriously pushing the line, so no one can really blame Gabe, when he lets out a strangled scream, and snaps his fingers.

They're out of TVland now, and Gabe rounds on Cas.

"Cassie, I love you but you're so…so…_vanilla_!"

(Castiel frowns, and looks like he's about to make some sort of comment about ice cream or flavoring and how he is neither of these things, but Gabriel cuts him off.)

"Maybe I _want_ you to be kinky and dirty and rough! Maybe I _want_ to feel it in the morning! For the love of _Dad_, Cas, 'kinky monkey sex' should mean you _jump my fine ass_, not ask if we're going to go to the zoo and-"

"You talk too much." Cas says, cutting him off. And before Gabriel can get back into the stride of his rant, Castiel makes sure he can't talk anymore, by a little, shall we say…mouth to mouth?

(When he's done, Gabe's breathless and a little shell shocked, which, in itself is quite the feat, on Cas' part.)

"Now," Cas says, and his voice is a throaty, low rumble that makes Gabriel tremble. "Why don't you _elaborate_ on that…number thing you were talking about before?"

'Number…thing?' Gabe's confused, but then he thinks back, and catches the tiny twinkle in Castiel's eyes, and then- 'Oooohhh, _number thing_.'

Gabriel snaps his fingers again, and they're off.


End file.
